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Stolen from inkt :

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one or a lot of reasons why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your journal, and spread the love.

 

There was something else I have to post.  I'll do that tomorrow :).

Random

Hi!  How's it going?

Let's see.  Haven't done much.  Well, work, of course.  Made lots of cookies.  Good cookies, too.  Even the peanut butter ones, and I don't like peanut butter much in cookies.  MASSIVE Christmas card writing.  I've actually written most of them, but today I was finally able to purchase some more Christmas stamps to send them out.  Sixty should cover me for the moment.  Maybe.

I've seen Harry Potter three times.  Three times last week.  And I really really want to go see it again.  I have no idea why.  I think it's because I dreamed in Harry Potter this week.  Very strange.

Online shopping is the most fuckall awesome horrible thing ever.  I've bought so much it's funny.  Not to my bank account.  I'd buy more but... my paycheck hasn't gone in yet, and I'm a touch worried about that.

I've been working on this letter for Heather FOREVER.  Hopefully I can finish it tonight and send it tomorrow.  Sorry, I've been a horrible friend.

I have to go sit in Volkswagon again for my lunch hour tomorrow.  Did it today and... they forgot to come get me to fix my car.  Assholes.  The song "One Headlight" is great and everything.  Just... not right now.

I found a $30 gift card to Valley Fair.  My aunt gave it to me a long time ago for a birthday, I think.  HUZZAH!  Just in time for holiday shopping!  Wait, that's bad.  That means I have to go to Valley Fair during the holiday season.  I suppose I could drag Scott into going with me, but that's sad.  That's what I did last year with Angel.  Man, it's been a year already?  Where've I been?

I want a scarf.  I have two.  Actually, I have four.  And one of them is pink and long and comes with a matching hat.  But I can't find either scarf nor the hat.  I'm cold and want a big puffy scarf.

I have to decorate my cubicle.  The people on the other side of the building went crazy with decorations.  I need some holiday cheer over here.  Tomorrow.  It'll happen tomorrow.  Christie will come in to work and we'll put up garlands and lights as she tells me about this guy who she likes that might choose the other girl.  But damn him.  We'll see how smart he is.  She's cute, she's normal, she's smart.  She just passed the bar.  Come on.

I'm glad I'm not that cute.  I'm glad people like me for the insane person that I am.  Not that I like you people because you're cute.  You are cute.  But I like you too, past the cuteness.

I have to go home to coax my crazy senile dog into the house.

Nov. 28th, 2005

I have to proctor a three hour exam today.  Quite blah, really, but that's pretty much how my day goes anyway.  I usually try to fill the silence, but you can't really do that during someone's exam.  It's written in the rules or something.  So I have a big book to read.  I also have to leave wicked early to get my insurance forms turned in; another such fun assignment that they gave me no time to fill out.

 

Sorry if my life is boring you.  Drop if you please.  Two people have already.  I have a headache.

 

Hope you're having a good one.

I want to go home

I'm not in the best of moods right now, so I'm trying to make the best of it.

This morning I had orientation for my job.  Thankfully, it was orientation for the school, not just the department, so I had orientation with my friend Paolo.  We've worked together for like two years, and he finally got a staff position on campus.  Man works hard for his money, make no mistake.  I heart Paolo.  Such a great guy.  Anyway, orientation was just... bleh.  Lots of information, and all of these forms due in a week regarding benefits and such.  My head is still spinning, and my head hurts.  But I was really happy to go out to lunch with a woman I knew from my previous job.  She was really nice and we talked for well over an hour about the school and her previous positions on campus.  I'm looking forward to going out to lunch with her again soon.

I got into two pretty deep arguments this weekend: one with Scott, and another with my parents.  I can't be angry with Scott by himself for very long, and he's pretty good after arguments.  He's more into talking things through instead of separating for a few hours.  That may have been a reason the ex and I didn't do so well together.  I'm not very familiar with this new method, but I'm trying.  The one with my parents was worse.  They asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I asked if they would help me to purchase a bicycle.  Let me say this again.  I said I wanted to get myself a bike, and I just wanted as much as they were willing to give me to get one.  Not pay for the entire thing.  And this erupted into an argument, complete with my father refusing to talk to me about the issue and then going to my mother and getting her all frustrated.  Over a BIKE.  Jesus, you'd think I had asked for a 2 carat diamond or something.  Not that bikes are cheap, because they aren't.  My father's afraid I'll get hit riding on the sidewalk, etc.  My parents just get this protective streak that won't go away, which I understand.  Which makes it all too tempting to move out, even if it is with Scott.  But even I know it's not a great move, that I need to save my money for my future, and I just can't handle this move right now with my finances.  Actually, I think I might be able to handle it, but I don't think I can risk it right now.  They've been so kind to let me come back home.

We saw Harry Potter 4 last night in the theatre.  Loved it.  Can't wait to see it again.  My only complaint would be the people.  At the very least, five cell phones went off during the movie.  And a few people took well over a minute to turn off the ringer.  Quite a few people were talking rather loudly and laughing at inappropriate times, activities that resulted in them receiving the death glare.

I also found Grandma's old recipe book, but unfortunately she didn't leave anything about making bread.  I went to Fry's and found a good breadmaker, along with a book from Williams Sonoma about making different types of bread (such as zucchini bread and pumpkin spice bread).  We'll see, I might get enough money for Christmas to get them, but if I don't I won't be heartbroken.

All right, here's how much of a dumbass I am.  I did not know how much turkeys cost.  Apparently it's around $22.  So we donated a bag of groceries instead.  Common sense and knowledge seem to fall short of me.

Just bought this CD, and I love it.  I need to get Josh Groban's CD too.  I know my father will love it.

On Saturday from 10:00 AM to 6:00 PM, every Albertson's in the area will have this special offer: buy one turkey and spend a total of at least $25 on your total purchase, and you get a free turkey to give to the food bank.

Time to find Grandma's recipes for making bread.  :)

May I never forget the simple pleasures of Nutella.  Nutella is love.

I see now why I'm having such problems at work.  Everyone is assuming that I was taught everything I have to know by someone else.  I don't know how to make it clear to them that I don't know what I'm doing until they show me.  And of course they don't have the time to show me.  Well then, get ready for some mistakes, and it's sure as hell not my fault.  See, that's why I ask QUESTIONS.  How silly of me.  I've already gotten so many emails today asking "Oh, you've done this, right?", to which my answer is "No, would you mind showing me?" and then "Oh.  Well, just find someone to show you.  It's easy."  Grr.  I... just grr.

 

Snatched from 7inchdork :

 

These are supposedly 25 questions that no one would ever think to ask.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
My face and my figure.  I look at my legs a lot too, I've found.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Maybe $60 or so.  It's all I'm giving myself for a week or two.  Maybe longer.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
She said pest, so I'm saying BEST!

4. Favorite planet?
Jupiter.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell?
My friend Karyna, who I actually have to call back.  Oops.  That was from a few days ago.

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
La Traviata.  Sounds Italian.  I only use three rings, and they are all Italian.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
New dark pink shirt.

(no number 8???)

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
Brown.  Brown shoes.  Also known as Josef Seibel.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright.  With a window.

11. What do you think of the person who posted this before you?
I don't know her very well.  I probably scared her by saying I thought she was interesting.  I should read her journal more.

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?
I've accidently spilled my own secrets.  And one that I didn't know was a secret.

13. what were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.  I think?

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
We do want to thank you.  Michelle blew a minor gasket, cried, and fell asleep.  You know we won't use it, it'll sit in the envelope and come home with us at Thanksgiving.  Grumble, grumble.  We love you, dude.

15. What's a saying that you say a lot?
I used to say "I beg your pardon?" a lot.  I usually throw around a lot of Sicilian sayings too.


16. Who was the last person you kissed?
I'd say Dash, but I went to lunch with Scott, so Scott.

17. Who told you they loved you last?
Scott wins again!

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Dash wins!


19 How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
I'm a digital girl these days too.  I think I do have one roll that I have to get developed, though.  Lord knows when it was taken.  But that's half the fun.

20. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days?
Alcohol and caffeine, really.

21. favorite age you have been so far?
I think 20.  Good times.  Although 21 was great fun too.

22. Your worst enemy?
Loneliness, I suppose.

23 What is your current desktop picture?
A chocolate labrador.  Cutie too.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Let's see, that was to Tyler:  probably just "uh huh" when he was giving me all this stuff to do.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret, which would you choose?
Million bucks, hands down.  I live in the present, not the past.  It would be too painful.  I'd go for the money, pay off my school tuition stuffs, and donate most of it.

Nov. 15th, 2005

I just realized that I got cut from someone's journal.  I should have known, that person updated with some frequency.  Still saddens me, I thought I had commented a bit (by my standards of commenting) but I suppose it wasn't enough.

When people do cuts, one of the reasons most often given is that there is nothing in common.  I personally don't see that as a good reason.  Valid, sure.  But not good.  For I am ever learning.  There are lives that I have nothing in common with, but that does not mean I don't want to hear about them or learn from them.  A few of the people I friended have kids.  I don't have kids.  I don't live in England.  I don't go to school.  But I like hearing your experiences because it's fun and important to you, and I like learning about you.  I may have nothing obvious in common with you, but that doesn't make me want to learn about you any less.  I like learning about people.  I live my life one way knowing that no one lives exactly the same way, and I like to learn about and acknowledge those differences.

I think I'm getting a little bit better on posting comments, though sometimes I can't even find the right words and giving a typical answer seems unnecessary.  To say something just to say something.  That's why I don't mind that a lot of people don't comment on my posts.  They aren't interesting anyway.  I went to work and...... I have a dog.  Weeeee!  No, I don't get all bitter when no one comments, and to be honest I find it a little strange when people expect a comment from everyone.  Most of my friends post monthly and never comment.  Such is life.  But on a sidenote, I do appreciate you, lemmingpie , for giving me so many warm comments.  I think you give me the most and they are fun to read.  I've gotten lots of comments recently.  Anything over 0 is a lot for me haha.  I suppose I could do a friend's cut since a lot of people don't comment on my posts, but eh.  I'm lazy and I don't care.  I don't unfriend people.

And you may now think I'm bitter.  I'm not mad.  Not having anything in common is a reason.  I just don't like it as a reason.

Now on to the day.  Same old, same old.  ALMOST finished with The Chronicles of Narnia.  Honestly, I think making The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe into a movie will be a bigger success than any of the others.  Although I do like The Magician's Nephew and think it would be a fun movie too.  Next up will be Al Franken's newest book.  The man cracks me up, I can't help it.

Also saw George Carlin's standup the other night.  I used to think he was a little lewd.  But now... God he's just so damn funny.  One of his rants was about abortion, which I loved.  Pro-choice.  And he also talked about gay marriage, and how it was a solution to abortion.  How can the Catholic Church be opposed to both?  Hehe, we have to watch that again.

My parents are funny.  When I told them I wanted to take a year off of school (I think this started about half a year ago) they totally flipped out.  My mother NEVER took a break between her numerous degrees, and my father went right into law school after he graduated from college.  I think they were afraid I'd drop like my younger cousins have, just at a later time.  That obviously is not the case, as I have this lovely job.  But my mother plowed ahead and printed up information about a counseling psychology graduate program at SCU.  She's a funny one.  At least the applications aren't due until April for the Fall.  But I have to take the GRE again.  And I can't mess it up this time.  I have three months.  This time I'm nailing this test in the ass.

I have to remember to go through Grandma's recipes when I get home.  She has recipes for banana nut bread and zucchini bread and pumpkin bread.  Mmm.  I'd better start baking again.  I'll start shipping those suckers out.

I think both of my bosses are out today.  Time to start relearning vocabulary again.

It's been an odd day.  The four of us went quasi-jogging today.  It was nice for us all to get out.  There were times I nearly gave up and turned on a dime for home, but seeing how much we junked out this weekend, I knew it wasn't a good idea.  Better start working out on weekends, too.  It will improve my mood and my motivation to get things done.

Scott and I got into a little tiff this morning that I, admittedly, started.  It's over something so shameful and pitiful that I daren't specify on here.  Though in my defense, I wasn't the one to try to bring it up during lunch.  I can't say anything bad.  He's a sweet guy but he needs to stop, and I think I'm expecting too much of him.  I'm lucky enough just to have him.  Almost nine months now.  Anyone will tell you that's one hell of a record for me.  Well, anything over five months is a record for me.

Yay get to go home!  Later gators.

Angst and O'Reilly

AngstCollapse )
Which turns to the title of this post.  Bill O'Reilly.

I’ve never been fond of Mr. O’Reilly.  And this only fuels my black hole of fondness for him.  In the Tuesday election, two of the ballot measures addressed handgun ownership and military recruitment at schools.  This was O’Reilly’s reaction (to be fair, it was on his own radio show): “If you want to ban military recruiting, fine.  But I’m not going to give you another nickel of federal money.  If I’m the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium and I say, ‘Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you’re not going to get another nickel in federal funds.  If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we’re not going to do anything about it.  We’re going to say, ‘Look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco.  You want to blow up the Coit Tower?  Go ahead.’”

 

What, exactly, is this man’s problem?  You know what I have noticed?  I’ve noticed a few correlations.  I’ve noticed that the ones who say they are against all terrorists are the ones calling for destruction.  Buchanan called for the death of the Venezuelan leader, the same man who less than half a year later sent aid to us when hurricane Katrina hit.  The ones who are so quick to blame others for thinking liberally and calling us unpatriotic are the ones who are not doing a hot job with the power they have.  Other countries are looking at people like O’Reilly and thinking he’s representative of the whole country.  They probably think that already with Bush as our president.  Where does all this hatred come from?  Hatred that makes you PUBLICLY call for the death of another person?  And yet all of these people are still allowed on the air to speak freely.  And of course, why shouldn’t they?  They have no need to restrain themselves.  They haven’t gotten called on it yet, and why would they now?  But you know what?  I call O’Reilly unpatriotic for that statement that he made.  Welcome to the United States of America, where we can decide how we are governed and how we live our lives.  Perhaps people would be more willing to have military recruiters if we hadn’t lost over 2000 wonderful people in this God-forsaken war.

 

So my day has actually taken a turn for the better.  The people I thought didn’t like me seem to have become more open.  Miraculously.  I decided to leave the rant in under a cut because I can’t ignore that I felt that way before.  Nine o’clock this morning and I was seriously staring into my computer crying.  But the moment lasted for only a moment and not for hours and hours or days or weeks.  I’m finding the balance between asking too many questions and not enough.  Takes time, I knew it did.  I think people warmed up to me.  My boss is kicking ass telling people around campus to connect with me.  All is well, and only one hour until I get to go home and we will spend the evening blissfully.

 

I hope you all have a nice weekend.  I will check my email (not that I will receive any) but otherwise will stay the hell away from my computer. J

May I just say, now that I am at the computer that I will be using for my job (I can't work on it much, since they still have to remodel the whole damn area) that my area will be fucking awesome.  The computer is wycked (keyboard included) and I have to learn how to use this monster of a mouse.

Though really, while I say this, my eyes are KILLING me and I can't wait to go home just so I don't have to look at a computer.  Television doesn't count.

Went to the U2 concert last night.  Very awesome.  There was a lightning storm while we were on the road, which was kinda weird as there was no storm in the forcast.  But, of course, weatherpeople are always 100% accurate.  Just think what Lewis Black would say.  I am.  And he would not be happy.  Nevertheless, besides being slightly concerned from time to time, it was fun to watch.  There was no thunder.  Hmm.

The crisis at work isn't really such a crisis.  My manager is really cool and was really nice about talking to me.  I've decided the reason I was breaking down was because I'm so used to having a supervisor who wants to know what I'm doing, where I'm calling, what assignment I'm working on and the progress.  And my manager keeps telling me that this is an independent position.  Not that I'm on my own, but once I get the responsibilities down I'm free to run with it (with some restraint, of course).  I think I was just looking for guidance, but sending 20 emails in the span of three and a half hours (to no more than five people, mind you) is a bit excessive.  I'm getting there.  Thanks for your notes.

So thus far I've been busy all day, running around the building taking notes, staring at my screen for emails and for research, the works.  And all I can say is I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday so I don't have to look at a computer.  I'm considering not checking my email this weekend, that's how bad it is.  It's not even annoyance.  Now it's physical pain in my shoulders and neck and eyes.  Damn.  Damn damn damn.  Alas, I will survive.

Too early in the job to have a nervous breakdown? I think not.

Nov. 8th, 2005

Day two.  When is lunch?  Though I have had a bit to do.  The hard part is having stuff to do but not knowing how to go through.  For the most part, this is because I haven't been properly trained.  My job is mostly about building maintenance as well as being an administrative assistant.  I've gotten a few requests for building maintenance.  I just can't do anything with them as of yet.  Soon I'll be hooked up to the system and can get started.  For now I just stare at my school email and wait.

 

Since I have so much free time, I've devoted much of it to looking up the staff and facuty members in the building.  Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

 

I'm helping my father make some fliers.  There is a homeless man, Cornelius, who sits in front of my father's building with his dog, Boo Boo, every day.  Cornelius and Boo Boo live in a van.  But the van's engine is broken, so not only can Cornelius not get around (how he can with these gas prices is beyond me) but he may also lose the van because he can't move it from where it is parked on the city street.  It's their home.  It makes me so sad.  So my father and I are making a flier to show to others who work in the area who are familiar with Cornelius' and Boo Boo's situation.  I'm hoping the people my father works near can put their money where their mouths are.  Scott and I already contributed a little bit, but when I get my paycheck I'll probably add more.  I also want to get a breadmaking machine (I think it was kneads  who was talking about having one?) so that I can make all kinds of loaves of bread to give away.  Cookies are great and all, but bread is more filling and keeps well with peanut butter.  Shit, except peanut butter makes you thirsty.  Damn.

 

And, of course, this got me thinking to volunteering.  I really want to contribute more.  I've always wanted to work at the Humane Society, and I almost did once.  I want to be a dog socializer.  It requires working eight hours a month, which I think I can easily pull off, and once the training is over, the schedule is very flexible, so I could do it on weekend afternoons.  I'm not going anywhere for the next eight months, anyway.

 

And then I feel bad.  Because helping animals is good and everything, but what about helping the members of the human race you belong to?  Why help animals but not the countless number of homeless who are considered a nuisance by some and just totally ignored by the government?  I did look up some soup kitchens in the area and found one where they need volunteers on weekends (my work days are shot timewise, especially since I have to work overtime some evenings).  I can see coming in one weekend morning a week or every other week or every months and bringing breakfast.  Me and my handy dandy breadmaker.  And five dozen chickens.  My parents will call me insane, I'll probably exhaust myself.  But I know when I get home today I will see a picture I can't take my eyes off of.  I won't be able to draw my attention away from Cornelius' eyes and Boo Boo's smiling face.  I have the time now.  I need to do something now.  I don't want to keep putting it off.  My job is not that tough.  People pull off having full-time jobs while being single-parents.  If they are strong enough, so am I.  I am lucky to be where I am today, to have a stellar job and a good position in life.  It's time I gave something, anything, back.

Tags:

I AM AT TEH WORK!  HOLY CRAP.

 

Yeah, so this is new.  So much to learn.  I already have to fill out forms to get a door name plate and desk name plate.  AND BUSINESS CARDS.  But... I can't fill out the forms because I don't have enough information.  I was shown around for about two hours, then left to my own devices.  Meeting people, walking around to get to know the layout of the building.  I have a lot of responsibilities that I have to get down and lots of things to do, so I'm trying to figure out how to do them.  Now I'm just sitting in this office, listening to Piano Concertos on my iPod, and looking through the Office Depot manual to see what things I need to order.

So now I have more Internet access THAN EVER and can finally comment.  Have a stellar day!

Sorry I haven't commented much. I spend all of five minutes online each night checking my emails and such. How boring. BUT with my new job, I should have more time and energy to pay attention.

I went out last night after work for my cousin Paul's birthday. Yeah, he's the cousin I like. I favour only two of my cousins, and they are ironically the ones I have seen and known the least. My cousin the law student has his moments, but right now I'm still not pleased with him. That aside, I had a lovely lime. We went to Comedy Sportz in downtown San Jose. I remember we had a few Comedy Sportz performances on campus while I was a student, but I don't particularly remember them as being mildly funny. This show was hilarious, and I can't wait to go again. Afterwards we walked to Gorden Birsch (sp) for dinner and drinks. Great food and beer, and such great company. I should hang out with Paul more often.

This morning my mother harassed me to no end about getting a flu shot, and I gave in. The Savemart near our house had a clinic for four hours this morning, so Scott and I limped to the store and got shot up.

I'm worried about Casey. My dog at home. She's never been the same since she was put under when she got her teeth cleaned. It's all my fault, too, and it makes me feel horrible. I visit home more often but it just depresses the hell out of me. She shivers all the time. Frowny face. I hope she feels better soon.

Share the love. Hope you are all well. Cheers.

Nov. 3rd, 2005

I have about five minutes to write this.

First. I'm glad I didn't give up. Well, actually, there are times I do give up. I have given up. But I'm glad I tried another shot. It made my day.

On the morning run, Scott sprained his ankle pretty bad. And we had to go uphill to get home. This required Scott, with his 6'8" frame, to lean on me while I had to hold on to an incredibly frisky and otherwise HUGE puppy. I think we would have laughed about it more if Scott wasn't feeling so bad. Good thing he has crutches that size. After all the horrible luck he's had with his health.

Today drained me pretty well, which upsets me a little in that this isn't a job or situation to be freaking out in. My job on Monday will be much more stressful than any other, and I hope I can handle it.

Baking more. Extra batch for the boys at home, especially the one confined to the couch until bed.

Take care, friends.

Nov. 2nd, 2005

It is official. Friday is my last day at the bookstore. To tell the truth, I'm a little sad about that. I will miss my new friends, and I doubt that I'll be able to see them or hear from them much. But alas, it is time to move on, and I know I will greatly appreciate my weekends of relaxation. Or "relaxation" I suppose. I'm probably going to need it.

My room is such a mess. I haven't attempted cleaning it in months, it seems. Right around the time when all the crap landed in there. I suppose I haven't noticed the problem because I haven't slept in that bed for quite a while. But the time is now. I have a lot to do this weekend anyway, but I don't have a choice. I must get in there and find some work clothes. MUST FIND NICE CLOTHES. Because I don't have much, but what I do have I will use over and over and over again.

I've noticed that I feel more of a need to protect the relationships I have now. Not the family ones. Screw those. They were gone way before I had any say. Friendships. More precious than before, and I don't really know why. Which could cause some problems. Where is the line drawn? How do I know if the friendship isn't worth it? You try and try and try, and in the end you tried for nothing, though I suppose you gain peace of mind. I'm sad about the loss of some friendships, but there are a few I don't seem to care much about.

A few of my friends, the ones I've been friends with for quite a long time, also expressed... extra concern about my relationship with Scott, among other things. And what with the shit I had to deal with at the time, that was the last thing I needed. But I took it because I love my friends, even though they didn't always agree with me. And we all got over it all right, though some friendships have thinned. I'm going to make sure I do what I need to do.

I made brownies tonight. It's my coworker John's birthday tomorrow. The girl I work with suggested I bake cupcakes. But I like brownies. So I made brownies. I have to make cookies for work on Friday, for my last day. Oo, it's my cousin Paul's birthday too. I should make him cookies too. This is a dreadful pattern, isn't it? Bake and bake and bake. My three boys don't much mind.

Good night. Need sleep to decorate brownies tomorrow morning.
Sorry about the weirdness of the last post. Just what was in my head. Rather cleansing, really.

Actually, nothing new. I feel bad when I write letters to people, because... nothing's going on. Jobness. How... uninteresting to you all. Uninteresting to me too, to be honest. Things were so much more interesting when I was going to school, and drama was circling all around me. Well, that didn't make it better.

Feeling much better, actually! I'm a little down this week, I suppose it's to be expected. Last week really nailed me hard. This week will be tough, next week will be worse. I've my work cut out for me. Here's to November.
Kind of funny. I had just come back from my great-aunt's viewing (her funeral is tomorrow). Told my friend I didn't want to talk about it. So she starts asking me about my memories of my great-aunt. I'm ignoring her now.

Now she's telling me I was lucky to have her in my life. She doesn't have very many good family members. But this honestly isn't making me feel any better.

The God's honest truth is that I dislike talking about death. It's one of my many insecurities. It's not a question of faith. I believe in God, I believe in Heaven. My insecurity lies in losing those I love. This is something we all go through, I'm not trying to say my sitch is special in any way. Like any other, I'm sad that my family members are beginning to get really really sick, and of course it's only a matter of time. Maybe I'm afraid of the huge change that will occur. The quick loss of the only family I have ever known (the death of the matriarch, and that's it). I'm afraid of my parents dying and leaving me all alone in this world. I lie awake at night wondering how I will feel when I draw my last breath, and what will happen next. And one of my friends assures me the world will end in the year 2012. This does not reassure me. And I'm not asking to be reassured. This is my ish, I don't want to impose. My problem is that I can't seem to get over it, so I relive the same nightmares every so often. Scott doesn't really know when it happens (I don't break down or anything, at least not when I'm with him). I'm pretty good at hiding it and I don't discuss it.

I just don't want to be alone. It's not like I'm not alone family-wise. My immediate family, with the exception of my parents and a few others, could care less if I didn't exist. I'm not afraid of losing them. I haven't had them for years. I'm afraid of losing everyone else.

I don't know why I decided to write this. Maybe venting. Maybe the nightmares will go away.

I really want to go to bed. Scott wants to watch a movie. I'll watch. I don't want to go to bed alone.
You know, I almost started by saying "I'm exhausted." But then again, I've feel like I've started a few posts like that. So... I won't. This doesn't really take away from the fact that I'm a little tuckered out. I've been sick for the past two days. Yep, it was bound to happen. I... just wish it wasn't the stomach flu. I even tried going to work yesterday. I was there for two hours and made it home just in time. And I've been sick ever since. I was placed under complete house-arrest by my parents AND by Scott, which at the moment I'm too damn weak to fight against. And if it were any other normal job where you can sit or slink back into the shadows, I'd probably go to work tomorrow. But standing up all bloody day... I'm sorry, I can't do that. Not for eight hours. I will use tomorrow to get my strength up. I'm sorry for my coworkers, this is a horrible time for me to be out, but considering that's the way it will be in a little over a week... Holy shit. I'll have a new job in a week. Where I have to dress really nice. And be smart. Really smart. Can I fake smart? I'm not certain about that one. I'm damned nervous, is what I am.

Halloween weekend isn't Halloween weekend anymore. An aunt has passed on, and one of my mother's old friends as well. So we have a lot of services to go to this weekend. I'm sad because this will be a sad weekend, and in my weakened state i will cry at just about anything. For the love of God, I was reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and nearly cried when the Lion died. Good thing I had finished reading The Vagina Monologues. Which, by the way, I loved. I loved this book, and I encourage everyone, EVERYONE, to read it. Just magnificent. I wish I had seen it when I had the opportunity, and I would certainly try to get involved in helping the production if it ever came around again. To my intense pleasure, Scott has picked it up. Which means we get to discuss when he finishes. He's very good about these things, I have to give him credit. Most men are not. I wonder if I'll get him to say vagina out loud in a public place. Hmm...

I was going to say something else... Well bollocks, i can't remember. Can I? Pain...death..., nope, that's about it. I'm sad. And I'm also not feeling well, so I'll stop muttering about such unpleasantries and lie down.
I have done nothing all day and, as a result, have a neck cramp. These things used to not bother me. I became used to neck and shoulder pain ever since I got injured time and again at rugby. I suppose I haven't had it in a while. Very strange.

I haven't been terribly productive this weekend, which I enjoyed terribly. I was spent after Friday and much enjoyed Saturday's peace. I finally finished Eldest, which was an excellent book, I must say, but then, that's just the way my mind works. I'm happy because I've started reading The Vagina Monologues. I've actually never read it before and missed the opportunity to see it performed on campus. So I decided, after all the feminist classes I had taken, it was time. I plan to read The Chronicles of Narnia next before the movie comes out in December. Never read those either. I saw The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe when I was in fifth grade, but of course i don't remember any of it. Except there was a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe. I also want to see the original movies.

Still a little nervous about telling my boss about the law school position. I know I can't delay. I need to give her as much advanced notice as possible, to be respectful at least. However, I want to be sure I have the go-ahead. I expected a formal email requesting my response, but I haven't received one yet. If I don't hear anything by lunch tomorrow, I will probably give the manager a call and ask when I am expected to begin the position. I specifically told his supervisor that I needed to give my boss two week's notice, and I am uncertain as to whether or not the phone call on Friday was the two week's notice, specifically since at the interview on Thursday the woman told me she would get back to me in a week, and I heard back the next day. So I'll give the manager a phone call tomorrow morning to sort it all out. Then bring on the bad news.

Thus far, Dash has gone through five toys. Shredded. Not even a square inch of material left. I'm afraid he might swallow the rubber bone we got him, so I've decided to hide it.

Chicago White Sox just gained four runs, making the score 6-4 against the Houston Astros at the bottom of the seventh. This house is not happy. Out comes the beer.

Oh, and I was sad this morning. Because we watched college football for a little while. Where college students and fans came out to watch their teams play. And for the first time ever, I actually wished we had had a football team. Then we turned to the SF 49ers, who got their asses handed to them for the fifth time this season. Score was something like 52-10 in the end or something. Sad.

*gulp gulp gulp*

JOB!

So, I, uh, have a job.

!!!

This makes me so happy. I will be high for days. Scott is breaking out the bottles of champagne as we speak.

Yesterday I had an interview with the assistant dean of the law school. She told me she'd get back to me in a week. The manager called me this morning before noon. During my lunch hour I started filling out paperwork with human resources. I am currently staring in belief at a packet labeled "Staff Benefits". Jordan assures me that he will read it drunk in about an hour.

The only downside to this job is that I have to quit the one I have now. Which I feel bad about. My boss has enough to do now with two people short. She gets into bad moods whenever I have an interview. I'm waiting until it's necessary to tell her.

I then had to go out to dinner with my cousin, who was a complete jerk. I understand that he wasn't feeling well. So he should have called it off. Instead we went out. And I didn't expect him to give me congrats. But I didn't think he's be an ass and tell me how much he thinks my position sucks.

I unfortunately have nothing more to add. Especially now when I'm being handed my second glass of bubbly. I'm sorry I haven't commented much. I'm so exhausted when I get home. But I will be relaxing much this weekend. I'll probably finish Eldest. If you've read Eragon, know that Eldest is just as good. And I have a few letters to write. Ahh, I love weekends.
I'm in an oddly good mood tonight. Tired as hell. But good nonetheless.

I found out why my boss is usually not in the best of moods. She hasn't been feeling very well lately. I didn't know why. But I somehow (without my knowledge) asked for extra work, so I stayed an additional half hour. Dead on my feet, but I was renewed with energy and helped out a little. She stays late every day because, well, she's the boss. But she also told me that she has had many, many benign tumors that are otherwise troublesome. At that point, I understood her snappy nature. I knew before that she "ran a tight ship." Just didn't know how tight. And now I know why. She's under extreme pressure as it is. Made worse by the tumors.

Evenings are stellar. I get to make dinner and then lie down to relax for the rest of the night. Good times.

I have my second interview either on Thursday or Friday. And I just noticed that I haven't heard back from the other job I was going to apply to. The one I wanted. Wanted being the operative word. Haven't heard a damn thing. I asked for an update over a week ago. ONE WEEK AGO. How difficult is it to email me back saying "I'm working on the paperwork now" or "Looks like we'll post it in a few weeks" or something, anything. But I haven't even gotten an email saying "I received your message and I'll get back to you." Pfft to that.

Well, I'm off to read. I like reading. I suppose that's why working in a bookstore is rather fitting. Apparently I read more than anyone else in the bookstore. Which is also a bad thing, since... I work in a bookstore, where we sell books. And I like books. Mmm books.

Scott bought RANCH! Mmm ranch.
Los Angeles Angels just lost to the White Sox. Normally I don't like baseball. Not since Jeff Kent turned out to be an asshole. But I had hopes for the Angels. Because I don't like the White Sox. They rank up there with the Yankees. You don't care. I know you don't. But... I'm sad nonetheless. So many errors. And so many bad pitches.

I was incredibly productive today. Which also means I spent a little bit too much today. Mostly errands. But I have to say I am especially happy about a decision I helped my mother with. She and my father went out yesterday while I was at work to get a new stationary bicycle. I only use it when I'm at home, which is rare. More of the walking type, really. It's better for you, anyway. They bought one but couldn't bring it home, and my mother seemed really disturbed about it. She didn't trust her decision and insisted that I come with her to check out two bikes. The first was at Sears, a business we have trusted enough to get our washing machine, our fridge, and our treadmill from. The sales associate was informative, and the bike looked really good. Not the high quality of what we have in our school fitness center, but a good price for a solid product.

And then we went to see the one my mother decided upon. Because she never went to see the first one. She impulsively bought the first and only one she had seen. And you wonder where I get my impulsive streak from. This was at a family-owned sports equipment store near our house. I was shocked. The one there was almost twice as expensive. It was the only one there. And the quality was horrible. HORRIBLE. I was afraid to sit on it. Scott refused to touch it. He thought he might break it with one touch.

After some consideration, I convinced my mother that we should refund the one she bought and get the first one. After all, it was still in the store, and we would have had to hire a truck to get it home. Sears does it for a small fee. And my father already crushed his foot picking up the first one. My mother was afraid she would have a fight on her hands, but I slithered us out of the old bike and into the new. I'll come home just to use this bike.

On a happy note, I now have fuzzy pink slippers. Sadly, they will have to stay at my house. Otherwise, they will become Dash's newest chew toys.

Oo, one other thing. So I took my dog, Casey, into the vet's yesterday to get her teeth cleaned. Unfortunately, they had neglected to tell me to fast her for twelve hours. So I brought her in today. $369 later, she came back hating me and whining around the house. They tried to sell me doggie toothpaste and a toothbrush for $24 too. We've had dogs all my life. I've never taken one in for a dental cleaning. And we've never brushed our dogs' teeth. Casey is 10 years old. We're not starting now. Poor thing has been walking around with a wounded expression every moment since she came back. I felt so bad. *whimper*

I'm really glad I don't have work on weekends for the next few weeks. I've been working so much and coming home so exhausted that I frequently have little headaches a few times a day. Rather annoying, really.

Sorry to bore you. Hope you all have a nice weekend.
I am soooo tired. As I'm sure you all are, so I'll stop now.

So yesterday was the first day of a new routine. That's right. At 5:45 AM, Scott and I got up to walk/run Dash. My first thought was holyfuckitssodamnearlyandnottomentionthecoldness, but it honestly wasn't that bad. See, I just get to jog while Scott runs to catch up with the dog. This works out. It really does. Only thing is that the day is so long afterwards, but I've found a few great benefits. First, Dash seems to really enjoy it, which also may become a problem when it rains in the mornings. Because I'll be damned if you'll get my ass out there in the rain. The other great thing is coming home to take a shower with Scott. Haven't done that since last year. And mmm it's a nice way to start my day.

Work at the bookstore is going really well. I love my job and the people I work with. But of course I won't be there forever. The law school position is looking promising. The manager emailed me yesterday to ask me for an interview this week, and unfortunately I wasn't able to access it and respond until a few minutes ago. Which puts a little time crunch on the other job. So I emailed the supervisor from that job too to ask what the status was.

In all honesty, here's what I would like to do: I'd like to work in the bookstore for a few more months to really help out. It's good work, and they are quickly losing valuable employees. Then I would like the second job, the one in campus safety. Staff position, not pissing off the former police chief, more flexibility in my job. I don't think I'll get this law school job, but I'll follow it as far as it goes. And if I'm offered the job... well, we'll get there when we get there.

I'm still a little stressed out regarding work and going back to school. I need to figure this out. I need to stop procrastinating. Shame, shame, shame.

Miss you, Jason.

Have a good one, everyone. Time for a nice back and then off to bed. teehee
I love weekends. Because weekends include sitting. And I like sitting.

So Thursday night, against my better judgement, Scott and I went out for a little bit. It was okay, as Jordan stayed at home with Dash. We had a good time, I've no complaints. It just tends to leave me a little tired. And after standing for eight hours, the last thing I want to do is stand some more. But I did it. And Scott made up for it by pampering the crap out of me on Friday.

I had work for four hours today, which wasn't so bad. Afterwards I took my dog Casey to the vets. She has a lump of fatty tissue underneath her arm and one of her nails is chipped. So they gave me medication to give her. That means I have to come home every night to give her a pill. Lovely. I bugged Scott into bringing Dash to the vets too for his first check-up. Dash passed with flying colours, of course. And the doctor cleared our morning runs, so that will start on Monday. Really not looking forward to getting pulled down the street by a small pony. But it will do me some good to get some extra exercise in the morning. We'll also try to see if there's a place where Dash can run around without being on a lead. Big backyards are great for that, but unfortunately Scott doesn't have one and Casey would not be happy to share hers. The vet suggested a few locations that we will check out.

I haven't played Warcraft in forever. I am so so exhausted when I get home that I'd much rather huddle on the couch to watch television or read.

Time to make dinner! Hope all is well.
Pay day! Oh, I love pay day. Already spent some of it on my new shoes. They are covered sandals. Apparently my tennis shoes and feet couldn't handle the job. Standing up for eight hours SUCKS. I had four blisters, and most of them had popped. All right, i'll stop being gross now.

I dunno, I don't have much to talk about these days. I like my new schedule. It's very practical. Not really much rushing around, which I am very happy with. I'm finally getting enough sleep. Lots of good food, good work, good friends. My feet are so sore at night, is the only thing, but I try not to be a bother. Scott wants to go out in like an hour or so, which I typically don't really like to do, and my feet are not having it. Besides, we can't leave Dash all by himself in the house after he'd been at home for so long today. Hopefully Jordan will be home soon, so he can relax with Dash while we go out.

Mmm, I got nothing. I'm tired hehe. I miss my other friends, the ones I don't see anymore. I miss some of the people I used to work with. I miss the security of senior year. But such is life, and I'm not complaining. Life is good. I'm reading Eldest, which so far is a great book. I need to read more.

And here comes Dash! Better put the computer up a few extra feet to make sure he doesn't get it. Everything here has to be at least twelve feet high in order to get out of his reach.

Oct. 2nd, 2005

I woke up today wanting badly to write another story. Short story. I've written one before. Six pages long and, really, the only story I have ever really finished. Ironically, it took me about four hours total to write. And I wrote it at work. Go figure. This way, I know that if I don't have a solid idea and if it takes me longer than a day to really get it done, it's a piece of crap. But I really wanted to write another one. This one is much more dramatic than the first one. It's a tad unrealistic, but not for me. I just finished it. It's okay, probably needs a few adjustments. I don't know why I want to keep trying. Because I want to write another one, a shorter one.

Bah, don't ask, I'm obsessive, I just thought I'd say hi and, erm, that's actually about it. hehe.

*poof*

The newest member of our family

The dog’s name was Hank. A one-year-old German Shepherd/Irish Wolfhound mix. That’s all I knew. He would need exercise. Lots of exercise. Scott has an okay sized house. Nice kitchen, generous living room, one bathroom and two bedrooms. The backyard, however, is the problem. Too small, with fences that are too short and pretty damn shaky. The boys do have a laundry room where the dog could stay during the day, but there’s no crate sold by man to hold that puppy. I tried to convince Scott that a smaller dog, even a cat, might be a better option. Alas, I had to give in. Scott loved this dog, and I had to count down the days until we went to the shelter to pick him up. After talking with officials from the shelter, we did everything necessary to get ready. Doggie=proof the house. Buy water and food bowls that are difficult to tip over (they will be, anyway). Good puppy food. Wood planks that we later sanded smooth and made into a crate. Big thick blanket to put in crate. About fifteen different toys. A strong harnass that fits the dog now, and a place to get a bigger one (hard to find, let me tell you). And tons of doggie treats.

You can tell how not entirely looking forward to it I was. But when Scott brought me to the shelter, I discovered why he had fallen for this dog. He is so cute. I wish I had my digital camera for this. He was all over the three of us in the meeting room. Most of my inhibitions disappeared in that room. We drove him home and have been getting him used to the house, and it’s slowly working, I think. We just have to get him used to not jumping on the kitchen counters and tables. Sleeping in our bedroom. Morning runs and quality time in the evenings. I can get used to this. And we renamed him, since he hasn’t responded to his old name. The shelter staff told us that they only had the puppy for a few months, and that he didn’t have a name that they were aware of before. So we named him Dash, and he seems to have taken to it a little bit. Just think: for Christmas, he'll be Dasher. Wicked.

That’s about the extent of my day. Probably tomorrow too. And many weekends to follow. But I suppose my boys are worth it. I wonder how much sleep we’ll get tonight. Gah, there goes the sex life.

So many people that I have read about lately have been so unhappy. I hope everything turns out for the best.

I peek around again.

Well, here I am again!  I hope all is well with all of you.  This is the first chance I’ve really gotten to sit down and get around to this.

 

First off, Sicily was absolutely fabulous.  I don’t really even know where to begin.  I stayed with my friend Angel.  He has a lovely little flat in a nice area of the city.  He did have to work most days, but he took a couple of days off to spend some time with me, which I greatly appreciated.  We had a wonderful time walking around the city.  I must admit I was a little bit shy about going around practicing my Sicilian.  Sicilians are not fond of outsiders, which usually isn’t a problem.  When you say you are going to Italy, there aren’t many days scheduled in Palermo, that’s for sure.  But I suppose I got along well enough, even without Angel’s help most of the time, and soon I felt comfortable enough to go the streets on my own.  We went to mass every day in beautiful churches with really nice people.  Angel took me everywhere.  We went to the ports where my family left their home to make a new one in America.  We ate out a lot and just had a great time.

 

From there I went to Pittsburgh.  I have two friends who live in a small apartment a little outside one Oakland, which is really the downtown area.  Minus the humidity, I had a great time.  Scott was there too.  I really learned a lot while I was there.  My friends have a hard life there, and I really feel I learned more there than I could at home.  Marriage, spirituality, panic attacks.  I really can’t think of what else to say.  Except I’m so glad I was there.

 

I’ve been back home for a few days.  I started work the morning after I came home.  Work has been great, actually.  My coworkers are absolutely lovely.  They are so patient with me, and I’m trying to learn fast.  It’s good work for what I’m making, and I am thoroughly enjoying the employee discount.  I’m so damn tired when I get home, but I’m happy, and that’s really all that’s important.  Or some such thing.

 

I haven’t heard back from one job.  The other one… is in the works.  But I don’t really want it.  I’d rather have the other one, but beggars can’t be choosers.  I’ll take it if I can.  This job I have now is only temporary.  And I need a staff position.  So I can get tuition hehehe.  We’ll see what happens.

 

Saw my dear friend vintagefury.  So good to see you.  J

 

In the short time that I was away, Scott found a new love.  A dog.  A HUGE dog.  A one-year-old half-German Shepard, half-Irish Wolfhound.  Do you know how large those dogs get to be?  And yes, we’re getting one.  I… am speechless.  No matter how much I try to resist, Scott will not listen to reason.  So my weekend is shot.  I’ll be spending the entire time with a new bundle of joy.  My boyfriend is insane.  But then again, I guess that’s why we get along so well.

 

Hope you all have been stellar.

My prayers go out to those whose lives have been torn apart, or at least torn at, by both of the hurricanes, Katrina and Rita. I just remembered that I have a friend who lives in Richardson, just north of Dallas. Houston has been evacuated due to Rita's path, and while Richardson is a little far from Houston, I'm still a little worried. These hurricanes seem unpredictable and I can tell you right now I am scared about what will happen and what will come next. I'm not even going to go into the outrage I am feeling towards the government right now. I just hope you are okay, Deana.