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May. 9th, 2006

I have officially become the person I never ever wanted to be. No, I have reasons.

This morning I was terminated from my job. I went to see my dad, we had a conference call with my mum. They are both so understanding it hurts. It's not that I want to be yelled at. It just... burns. I can't help feeling like I'm letting them down, and my father especially, since he was always so proud to say his little girl worked at such and such. So now I'm at home.

I'm completely and thoroughly numb. Which isn't a great sign. And it's not just the job. I just... I don't care about anything anymore. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I did my work but didn't care. I didn't call friends. I didn't write letters. I was unresponsive to people who asked me questions. I just closed myself off. People would show genuine concern and I just brushed it off, saying it could be worse, because really, it could be worse. I have no good excuse for my behaviour.

I feel swells of remorse, for not doing a good enough job, for leaving the office during a crunch. It's completely my fault the position didn't work out. My dad was telling me it was a blessing, that it'll all be fine, that I'll go back to school, and in my head I'm just... not thinking. Except the basic drive that's telling me I can't not have a job.

Perhaps the upside to all this is that there is indeed an upside. I've become the person I never wanted to be, so I can't be afraid of that anymore. I'm still here, I've nowhere to go but up. I just need to find a reason to be. It's enough when things aren't going so well with Scott and I've no job and neglected my friends to the point that they have every reason to ignore me. I guess I need to use this time to figure it all out.


( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 9th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
Don't worry MA. It will all work out. ♥
May. 9th, 2006 09:24 pm (UTC)
Danke, sweet rogue.
May. 9th, 2006 09:32 pm (UTC)
Tá fáilte romhat, sugar plum.
May. 10th, 2006 01:18 am (UTC)
It may not be how you planned it to work out, but life has a way of working out anyways...

Isn't that an eerie feeling, to become your most feared self, but the kicker is that the world didn't fall apart. Your chest still fills with air (even if it's painful) and your feet are still firmly on the ground when you stand...but now you know...for you. The world keeps turning...I think it's eerie.

Just keep breathing, Cupcake...
(Deleted comment)
May. 9th, 2006 09:38 pm (UTC)
Haha, thank you Mie. Much appreciated.
(Deleted comment)
May. 9th, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)
You made isonces! Danke!
May. 9th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
May. 9th, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *snuggles back*
May. 9th, 2006 10:26 pm (UTC)

I'm really bad at knowing what the right thing to say is, so I'll just say that you're awesome and that things'll get better, and that I've got lots of love for you. The good thing about feeling like crap is knowing that things can't get much worse.

You know you can ding me on AIM anytime to vent.

May. 10th, 2006 02:11 am (UTC)

I'm sorry hon. It'll all work out.
May. 10th, 2006 04:04 am (UTC)
I'm really awful at knowing what to say, but in my experience things tend to work themselves out eventually. Doesn't mean they don't suck to deal with in the meantime, though.

But if you ever want to vent, write me a big long letter and stick it in the mail. I won't know any of the people who you are talking about so that might even make it easier. Once I had a penpal who sent me a large envelope. Inside was a letter, and a sealed envelope with an obviously thick letter inside. It said, "Do not open this letter. Tear it up and throw it away." on the envelope. Made her feel better at least.

I'm in the process of writing letters also. Sometimes I feel bad writing about crappy stuff to penpals because I figure they don't want to hear about that sort of thing, but really, it's helpful and uh... yeah.

Huzzah. Feel better anyway, hun.
May. 10th, 2006 05:28 am (UTC)
Your dad's right, you will probably see things work out for the best through this, like a blessing in disguise. It always hurts and a termination or firing feels very personal, like an attack on yourself or worse, but keep in mind that this gives you an opportunity to reflect on life's direction and make changes that can lead to very good things. I've been through it and it sucks but the end result is really fun!

Keep your options open. Hope you start to feel better soon.
May. 10th, 2006 07:34 am (UTC)
*big hugs* As horrible as things seem right now, I truly believe that there are reasons for things like this happening. Maybe it's time to work on yourself in other ways. It does sound to me as if you are depressed, even before your job ended and it might be a good idea looking into that. Go to your GP or a counsellor and seek some help. It's going to sound cheeky, but things will be alright and you have people who love and care about you closeby.
May. 11th, 2006 07:27 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! If you ever need to rant, my phone's always on for you.
May. 12th, 2006 12:00 pm (UTC)
Know what you mean when you do all the things you don't want to do, be, feel. Been there...Maybe it's a normal process. Not a nice one, true. Keeping thinking things can only get better is a good thing though. I'll be there for you! Take care, take rest. Loads of love and peace!
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )