mary anne. (rugbybaby) wrote,
mary anne.

I have officially become the person I never ever wanted to be. No, I have reasons.

This morning I was terminated from my job. I went to see my dad, we had a conference call with my mum. They are both so understanding it hurts. It's not that I want to be yelled at. It just... burns. I can't help feeling like I'm letting them down, and my father especially, since he was always so proud to say his little girl worked at such and such. So now I'm at home.

I'm completely and thoroughly numb. Which isn't a great sign. And it's not just the job. I just... I don't care about anything anymore. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I did my work but didn't care. I didn't call friends. I didn't write letters. I was unresponsive to people who asked me questions. I just closed myself off. People would show genuine concern and I just brushed it off, saying it could be worse, because really, it could be worse. I have no good excuse for my behaviour.

I feel swells of remorse, for not doing a good enough job, for leaving the office during a crunch. It's completely my fault the position didn't work out. My dad was telling me it was a blessing, that it'll all be fine, that I'll go back to school, and in my head I'm just... not thinking. Except the basic drive that's telling me I can't not have a job.

Perhaps the upside to all this is that there is indeed an upside. I've become the person I never wanted to be, so I can't be afraid of that anymore. I'm still here, I've nowhere to go but up. I just need to find a reason to be. It's enough when things aren't going so well with Scott and I've no job and neglected my friends to the point that they have every reason to ignore me. I guess I need to use this time to figure it all out.
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