mary anne. (rugbybaby) wrote,
mary anne.

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Journal... hmm.

I feel as though I am two people.  Not really like split personality or bipolar or anything.  But I feel that people see me two ways, as though I have two different personalities.  They forget that there is another side.

For the most part, I feel most people see me as a picture of innocence.  Innocence meaning carefree, not familiar with the hardships in the world.  Always had things my way, always smiling, friendly.  Which I really don't mind.  I've got a pretty light heart.  I try to be optimistic.  I've had a really good life with great parents who support me and have given me an invaluable education.  I think people like to think I'm innocent and ever-cheerful.  It makes me seem dependable.  I'll always be there like a loyal puppy dog.  But that's not the whole picture.

So when I do something that isn't exactly innocent, like show a little more emotion or get frustrated, I think people get a little turned off.  I've had dark moods.  Really dark moods.  I've had phases in my life where nothing seemed to be working out right.  I think everyone has.  Some of those times have been legitimate, and others not so much.  Some of the matters have been rather small, and some of them not-so-small.  I've experienced loss and a lot of pain, most of it not all that recent, and I kept it inside.  It didn't necessarily help, but at the time it seemed like the only thing to do.  I have my flaws.  I can be clingy.  I can have low confidence in myself and in my abilities.  Although I'd like to think I have good self-esteem where it counts.

I do my best not to offer advice where it's not asked for.  Even if it is asked for.  I try to comment to show my support and sympathy, although I'm aware that it can seem like it's none of my business and I don't know what I'm talking about.  So I keep it short.  I try to say what I would want to hear if I had been in that position, especially if I have been in that situation, though it doesn't work for everyone.  So I am cautious with my words, overly cautious sometimes, but I say something nonetheless.

I haven't always been a good friend.  I've shut people off for months at a time, sometimes for what seems like a good reason, and sometimes not for any reason at all.  I keep people out because I don't want to think about painful memories, although I am extremely open most of the time.  You can ask me just about anything and I will answer honestly.

But this is nothing we don't already know.  Of course I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to.  And no matter how much I would like them, I know I wouldn't so I can learn them on the way.  It's more fun that way, anyway.

There really isn't a reason for this post.  Occasionally people have said I'm a good listener.  I try to push that to the side, but I can't help liking it when people say that.  I like that people think I'm good at something that is important enough for them to say something about it.  I make mistakes like everyone else.  I fuck up.  I talk too loud.  I don't give chances, although I try.  I sometimes hold on when I should let go, and let go when I should hold on.

Saying I just want to help sounds very... innocent.  Of course it's not so easy as it sounds.  But people did it for me when I needed it.  I feel returning the favour is something I am driven to do.  Not because of my degree, although I have to admit that the reason I chose the majors I did was because I like listening and all that.  I think it's because... I think I'm selfish.  And this is a way I can overcome that.

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