Trying to expressI feel as though I am two people. Not really like split personality or bipolar or anything. But I feel that people see me two ways, as though I have two different personalities. They forget that there is another side.
For the most part, I feel most people see me as a picture of innocence. Innocence meaning carefree, not familiar with the hardships in the world. Always had things my way, always smiling, friendly. Which I really don't mind. I've got a pretty light heart. I try to be optimistic. I've had a really good life with great parents who support me and have given me an invaluable education. I think people like to think I'm innocent and ever-cheerful. It makes me seem dependable. I'll always be there like a loyal puppy dog. But that's not the whole picture.
So when I do something that isn't exactly innocent, like show a little more emotion or get frustrated, I think people get a little turned off. I've had dark moods. Really dark moods. I've had phases in my life where nothing seemed to be working out right. I think everyone has. Some of those times have been legitimate, and others not so much. Some of the matters have been rather small, and some of them not-so-small. I've experienced loss and a lot of pain, most of it not all that recent, and I kept it inside. It didn't necessarily help, but at the time it seemed like the only thing to do. I have my flaws. I can be clingy. I can have low confidence in myself and in my abilities. Although I'd like to think I have good self-esteem where it counts.
I do my best not to offer advice where it's not asked for. Even if it is asked for. I try to comment to show my support and sympathy, although I'm aware that it can seem like it's none of my business and I don't know what I'm talking about. So I keep it short. I try to say what I would want to hear if I had been in that position, especially if I have been in that situation, though it doesn't work for everyone. So I am cautious with my words, overly cautious sometimes, but I say something nonetheless.
I haven't always been a good friend. I've shut people off for months at a time, sometimes for what seems like a good reason, and sometimes not for any reason at all. I keep people out because I don't want to think about painful memories, although I am extremely open most of the time. You can ask me just about anything and I will answer honestly.
But this is nothing we don't already know. Of course I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to. And no matter how much I would like them, I know I wouldn't so I can learn them on the way. It's more fun that way, anyway.
There really isn't a reason for this post. Occasionally people have said I'm a good listener. I try to push that to the side, but I can't help liking it when people say that. I like that people think I'm good at something that is important enough for them to say something about it. I make mistakes like everyone else. I fuck up. I talk too loud. I don't give chances, although I try. I sometimes hold on when I should let go, and let go when I should hold on.
Saying I just want to help sounds very... innocent. Of course it's not so easy as it sounds. But people did it for me when I needed it. I feel returning the favour is something I am driven to do. Not because of my degree, although I have to admit that the reason I chose the majors I did was because I like listening and all that. I think it's because... I think I'm selfish. And this is a way I can overcome that.
