October 29th, 2005

dorcas is my muse.

(no subject)

Kind of funny. I had just come back from my great-aunt's viewing (her funeral is tomorrow). Told my friend I didn't want to talk about it. So she starts asking me about my memories of my great-aunt. I'm ignoring her now.

Now she's telling me I was lucky to have her in my life. She doesn't have very many good family members. But this honestly isn't making me feel any better.

The God's honest truth is that I dislike talking about death. It's one of my many insecurities. It's not a question of faith. I believe in God, I believe in Heaven. My insecurity lies in losing those I love. This is something we all go through, I'm not trying to say my sitch is special in any way. Like any other, I'm sad that my family members are beginning to get really really sick, and of course it's only a matter of time. Maybe I'm afraid of the huge change that will occur. The quick loss of the only family I have ever known (the death of the matriarch, and that's it). I'm afraid of my parents dying and leaving me all alone in this world. I lie awake at night wondering how I will feel when I draw my last breath, and what will happen next. And one of my friends assures me the world will end in the year 2012. This does not reassure me. And I'm not asking to be reassured. This is my ish, I don't want to impose. My problem is that I can't seem to get over it, so I relive the same nightmares every so often. Scott doesn't really know when it happens (I don't break down or anything, at least not when I'm with him). I'm pretty good at hiding it and I don't discuss it.

I just don't want to be alone. It's not like I'm not alone family-wise. My immediate family, with the exception of my parents and a few others, could care less if I didn't exist. I'm not afraid of losing them. I haven't had them for years. I'm afraid of losing everyone else.

I don't know why I decided to write this. Maybe venting. Maybe the nightmares will go away.

I really want to go to bed. Scott wants to watch a movie. I'll watch. I don't want to go to bed alone.