August 31st, 2005

dorcas is my muse.

Give back our Fucking signs!

Man, I need this song this morning.

So just before I left work yesterday, Carlos (not the boss of the office, but likes to think he can control other people) asks me to open the building.  The cranky part of me wanted to say HELL NO!  Get shitfaced and come in hung over like a man!  Or a woman, as I've done that before.  But the sensitive, sensible side of me agreed.  The building opens at 7:00 AM, which means I have to get up at a resounding 5:30 AM to shower and hightail it over here.  This morning was especially rough.  I had intended to go to bed early, but that of course didn't happen.  5:30 rolls around and I cannot move.  After five minutes of passive waking up, Scott plops me down on the cold bathroom floor, where I have no choice but to shower.  I get to the building at approximately 7:04 AM, where I then see... CARLOS!  And he proceeds to tell me that he needs me to open on Friday, not today, but on Friday.  On Friday, when I work 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM on the preceding Thursday.  What in the world is wrong with me?!
Hurricane Katrina has become a huge mother of a problem.  The governor of Louisiana is actually telling people to leave New Orleans, as 80% of it is under water.  That's not counting Alabama, Missouri, and numerous other states who have been wounded by Katrina.  Thousands of people without fresh water, air conditioning, food, transportation, electricity... it's just horrible.  See, this is why I live in California.  We can deal with earthquakes just fine.  But throw a few hurricanes in there and our state would quickly slip away.  Probably break off, is more like it.
Apparently there is a village in Austria called Fucking?  The people in the village get pissed off when British tourists come armed with screwdrivers to take their signs.  Which makes for funny statements.  "We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed," the officer told the broadsheet.

My favourite:  "The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg.  Every American seems to care only about 'The Sound of Music' (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau.  But for the British, it's all about Fucking."

I don't know.  I never saw 'The Sound of Music', but I sure as hell would steal one of those signs.
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dorcas is my muse.

(no subject)

Ask me for "top five" list of pretty much anything, and I will list you my top five of that thing or things. Copy and paste this in your own journal and give your own top fives.

Eyes hurt from staring at screen way too long.  Ow.
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dorcas is my muse.

(no subject)

Journal... hmm.

I feel as though I am two people.  Not really like split personality or bipolar or anything.  But I feel that people see me two ways, as though I have two different personalities.  They forget that there is another side.

For the most part, I feel most people see me as a picture of innocence.  Innocence meaning carefree, not familiar with the hardships in the world.  Always had things my way, always smiling, friendly.  Which I really don't mind.  I've got a pretty light heart.  I try to be optimistic.  I've had a really good life with great parents who support me and have given me an invaluable education.  I think people like to think I'm innocent and ever-cheerful.  It makes me seem dependable.  I'll always be there like a loyal puppy dog.  But that's not the whole picture.

So when I do something that isn't exactly innocent, like show a little more emotion or get frustrated, I think people get a little turned off.  I've had dark moods.  Really dark moods.  I've had phases in my life where nothing seemed to be working out right.  I think everyone has.  Some of those times have been legitimate, and others not so much.  Some of the matters have been rather small, and some of them not-so-small.  I've experienced loss and a lot of pain, most of it not all that recent, and I kept it inside.  It didn't necessarily help, but at the time it seemed like the only thing to do.  I have my flaws.  I can be clingy.  I can have low confidence in myself and in my abilities.  Although I'd like to think I have good self-esteem where it counts.

I do my best not to offer advice where it's not asked for.  Even if it is asked for.  I try to comment to show my support and sympathy, although I'm aware that it can seem like it's none of my business and I don't know what I'm talking about.  So I keep it short.  I try to say what I would want to hear if I had been in that position, especially if I have been in that situation, though it doesn't work for everyone.  So I am cautious with my words, overly cautious sometimes, but I say something nonetheless.

I haven't always been a good friend.  I've shut people off for months at a time, sometimes for what seems like a good reason, and sometimes not for any reason at all.  I keep people out because I don't want to think about painful memories, although I am extremely open most of the time.  You can ask me just about anything and I will answer honestly.

But this is nothing we don't already know.  Of course I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to.  And no matter how much I would like them, I know I wouldn't so I can learn them on the way.  It's more fun that way, anyway.

There really isn't a reason for this post.  Occasionally people have said I'm a good listener.  I try to push that to the side, but I can't help liking it when people say that.  I like that people think I'm good at something that is important enough for them to say something about it.  I make mistakes like everyone else.  I fuck up.  I talk too loud.  I don't give chances, although I try.  I sometimes hold on when I should let go, and let go when I should hold on.

Saying I just want to help sounds very... innocent.  Of course it's not so easy as it sounds.  But people did it for me when I needed it.  I feel returning the favour is something I am driven to do.  Not because of my degree, although I have to admit that the reason I chose the majors I did was because I like listening and all that.  I think it's because... I think I'm selfish.  And this is a way I can overcome that.
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