August 2nd, 2005

dorcas is my muse.

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Note: was having a very bad morning.I need to work harder to maintain my friendships.

I've noticed I really don't always put in the time and effort necessary to keep my relationships going.  I tend to get defensive a little and back away so much that I can't find a way back.  I'm lucky I still have my friendships with </a></b></a>vintagefury and </a></b></a>hentaioverfiend.  Occasionally, there were months that I didn't see or talk to them, my poor excuse being that I was too busy.

I regret not being able to remain friends with my summer group.  I'm sad that I am no longer friends with John, that Jeannie dislikes me (it's anybody's guess how much), that Teresa is perhaps a little sad because I broke the group up.  Tim and Pita I still talk to a little bit, but it's so much worse than it was before.  Who would have thought that the destructive force in the group of six... was me.  But at least they are all still friends.  I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if they weren't.

In a way, the same goes for the duplex that I just left.  Near the end, we were all talking about where we would live and how we would try to spend some time together.  When all was said and done, insecurity set in, and I felt as though it wouldn't really make a difference, no one wanted to see me.  My personality flaws, my flaws, my pinch for the dramatic, my lack of common sense, my stubbornness.

I can only thank so much those people who see my flaws and love me anyway.
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