May 1st, 2005

dorcas is my muse.

Who am I?

What an interesting Sunday.  It was a little bit difficult to get up this morning.  You know me and white tequila.  Or... maybe you don't.  Well, it's tough stuff.  This morning I dragged myself out of bed (fell on the floor once because SOMEBODY rolled over).  Nice shower and I was out the door.  Got my free coffee (I love you, Tagen) and at least one good bagel (I have no idea what the second bagel was, but it was not all that grand, and it didnt't mix well in my stomach).  But the shift has gone well so far.  A lot going on on campus today, so I had a lot of actual work to do.  In the midst of this, however, I did complete a rough draft of my Parrella paper.  Get this: the paper is about sexual identity and stereotyping in society.  This paper actually got me excited.  I didn't even use all of the sources he gave us, but I brought in books from my Communication and Gender class and some arguments from my Feminism Thesis.  God, it's too bad this is the first paper we are turning in.  Now he's going to expect this kind of work for every paper I write for him.  I can't tell how long it is because this stupid computer only uses Microsoft Wordpad, and there's no printer to hook up to, and thus no print preview.  However, I am quite certain I have met the four page requirement, or at least have come near it.

Know what irks me, though?  We have to use footnotes.  Even the book he gave us uses APA/MLA formatting.  Kids, I haven't used footnotes since high school.  HIGH SCHOOL.  I don't know how to do any of this.  So I will find Chris, who knows all the answers, and he will save me.

The unpleasant part of my day came when I was going to take my lunch.  Typically, I go out with people for my lunch break.  However

hentaioverfiend  and vintagefury  were unavailable.  Which, you know, is all good.  I can take a lunch by myself.  However, the ex came by.  He had called earlier this week to see if I would meet up with him for dinner this weekend, a request to which I promptly answered NO.  He took the chance to see if I was working, and lucky me I was, without a plan for lunch.  I made frantic calls to avoid the seemingly unavoidable.

See, here's the thing.  You're probably thinking something along the likes of "WTF?  After dealing with Travis, this should be easy.  Ms. Feminist should be able to execute a simple F*** OFF and go on her merry way with her tall, affectionate boyfriend."  But I've never quite been able to do that.  He always finds a way to use my words against me.  I honestly did try to be friends with him.  He just twists my words around until I don't know what's up and what's down.  The psych major in me (as well as runatiku ) tells me that he's doing it so that I can't be happy without him, not like I really was with him.  With all three breakups, I was the one to break it off.  But twice, he was able to wriggle around it and make me go back to him.  Now, this isn't what's happening now.  No way in hell I'm going back.  I'm just saying....

In answer to the unasked question, I did go out with him to the sandwich shop across the street.  I didn't eat anything (I used the "I drank too much last night and can't eat a thing" excuse), and fifteen minutes later (seemed like an eternity) Tibbs called me back.  A painstaking Italian conversation had him coming by to pick me up and, in so many words, save me.  Still not so sure how I will explain this to Scott (who I called first and since still hasn't gotten back to me, but he's probably in the library where his phone doesn't work).

Makes me feel so weak.  Like I can't control my own life.  Which, you know, I feel kind of often.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach, moreso than I felt this morning.  Like, how can I go to my thesis advisor, who I love and trust more with each passing day, that this happened?  How can I tell my best Communication buddy, who knows me so much it takes me aback?  What conclusions can I take from my actions?  Am I really that weak?  I always thought of myself as fairly independent.  Overly emotional at times, but generally with a somewhat level head on my shoulders.  I'm just disappointed in myself.

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