November 11th, 2004

dorcas is my muse.

(no subject)

I really have absolutely no patience today.  And that... is a huge problem.

In my personality class, we're talking about Type A and B personalities.  Now, I will be the first psych major to do my damned-est to not use what I learn in psychology on the people around me, and sometimes this does not necessarily mean I don't do it to myself.  As many of you know, there's almost nothing that gets me so riled up as when I hear about a psych/comm student psychoanalizing someone and telling them they have low self-esteem and a personality disorder.  I will be the first to say "STOP FUCKING WITH MY MAJOR, YOU DUMB ASS."

But, as I said, at times I can't help doing this to myself.  And really, that's kind of what psychology is.  I mean, you leave it to the professionals, obviously.  But coming to realize that... I really am kind of Type A.  And in the bad way.

My mother tells me there's no way in hell I'm type A, because she's type A and she can't see any similarities and intensity in my life.  But my mother doesn't see what you see.  And what you don't see.

I'm telling you, I was an easy baby.  Never cried much.  Smiled a lot.  My relatives got a kick out of me.  In fact, I led a pretty simple, easygoing life without much difficulty until I got to college.  And that's where I went downhill.

I wanted to make up for all I had missed out on.  I wanted to be part of a group.  I wanted to be popular.  I wanted to be seen as smart, but cool.  So I joined a sport, joined clubs, took on experiments when I could, constantly take on work shifts and jobs because other people want/need me to  And then, somewhere along the line, I went too far.  And I haven't been able to go back since.

I'm running experiments and writing stories all the time, I never have time to sleep, I constantly procrastinate and have no effort or motivation to do assignments (or do them well, anyway) which is a problem because I really need to boost my gpa as much as I can.

And some of these things are good.  They're good for grad school, good for life, good because they make me feel important.

But some bad things have happened, too.  I don't talk to my parents as often.  I'm not home so much with my housemates.  I haven't talked to some of my friends in months, and when I do see them, I'm irritable and aggressive.  I've lost face with my rugby team, and as much as I love them and want to be around with them... part of me knows they don't really care about my being there, that they would just as well not want me there.  And that is one of the worst feelings in the world.

So just come hang out for a night.  Do less.  I wish it was that easy.

It's not even 3:30 PM yet, and I'm spent.  Work this morning, meeting with experiment advisor, finish story for class, meet with Market Square staff workers, see some Market Square staff workers NOT follow what I had asked them to do just a few minutes later, haul ass to a class where the prof. doesn't like me and I shut up like a clam and turn in my story, hear that we have to run experiments (for another experiment) for another week because some of the experimenters DON'T SHOW UP for the experiments, and then I have data collection for the first experiment.

There's more after said experiment, but I feel I've said enough.  I've seen myself constantly overreact today, and worst of all, unable to stop myself from overreacting.  Wanting so very badly to stop yelling, stop jerking around, just... stop.

And I can't.  I push myself to the limit and once I'm there, I keep pushing.  Sure I'll take your shift, no problem.  I had nothing to do anyway.  Another experiment for next quarter?  I'm all over it.  Push push PUSH.  I need to stop.  I know I need to stop.  I know I'm scaring myself.  But I can't stop.  I can't put it all aside.  Until it's done.


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