August 10th, 2004

dorcas is my muse.

(no subject)

Ever been one of those people who sees a train wreck before it happens?  You sit back at a comfortable distance, yet close enough to see everything as it happens.  You can smell the smoke, hear the shrill cries each train makes it's way closer, closer.  They chug along, faster, faster.  And when they come too close, when they see each other, you can feel the "Oh shit" moment.  The ground thunders.  Each train throws on the breaks, but the trains lurch forward, momentum pushing them forward.  And there you sit, your mind racing inside your head.  And you wonder if you could have done something.  Could have gone to each train before this happened.  If you could stand between the two trains and somehow stop them.  And yet there you sit, and as you watch, right in front of your wide, bleary eyes, the trains collide.  Metal on metal, smoke and fire.  Scraping, bending, tearing, pain.  The cloud is too thick, you can't see what happened.  You don't know how bad it was.  How many survived.  How many did not.

Maybe I'm one of them.

I think about trains a lot.

I look back at some of the decisions I have made and wonder whether or not I was in the best state of mind.  Wondering if I should zagged when I zigged.  If the decision I made is beneficial to both of us.  One thing: I've always been honest about what I wanted.  No matter how superficial or meaningless, I was open and, for once, not cryptic about it.  Because I can always tell how he's feeling when he talks to me.  But it's not just about him, it's how I want to be treated by others around me.  It's just that he's really the only guy who understands.  I can't really say it to other guys because of what they think.  He's really the only one who won't think so badly of me.  Which sometimes makes me think something's wrong with me.  That this should be a sign that what once worked then... doesn't work now.  That my way of life, my way of interacting, must change.  Because if he's that important to me, I should be able to wait it out and not think think I need X right now.

This summer is all about change.  Well, not exactly.  But kind of.  Change as in trying out things I hadn't done before.  Which we can all say about life.  And to be honest, some of these changes aren't really so big.  But they are for me.  Because when I get stubborn (as I often do), I tend to pull myself into a stone that cannot be moved.  But I'm trying.  Little by little.

Make good choices.  Harder than it seems.

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