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All right, here's the deal.  Please don't be insulted by what I have to say.  Well, it's your right to be if you want to, but it's not my intention to.

As much as I might bitch (and I do) about people getting pissed off at me, I would rather have people tell me to my face that they have a problem with me and get it over with then and there.  I know some of these things fall off in time, but I can't know to never do it again unless you tell me.  I'm stupid and don't understand logical concepts.  I  flake and sometimes a pretty damned bad friend.  I admit it and I hate it.  I hate it so much and I don't mean it.  I hate when people don't tell me what's going on.  Living with Crystal is a nightmare.  My best friend, and I haven't even talked to her in months.  MONTHS.  How can I trust people again?  How can I love a boyfriend who argues with me all the time, always trying to make that last comment.  I'll say it again, I'm a dumb ass and I lose every time.  I hate my lack of commitment.  I hate my shifting nature.  I hate depending  on people, yet pushing them away to try to be independent.  I hate my life at times, even though it is so great and I don't know what I would do.  I need to stop but I don't want to.  I can't.  I love everything I do.  I love my office, I love my classes, I love my friends, I love my family, I love search, I love my boyfriend, I love my hamster, I love my apartment.  But I hate me.  I hate my procrastination, and I'm missing a class because I'm a fucking idiot.  I promised my friends I would copy a midterm exam study sheet before I left for Oregon and I didn't do it.  My grades are dropping.  I'm  going insane, and my boyfriend doesn't even seem to care that every time we argue, I start to cry a little, and I hate crying.  And now I'm starting to fall for someone who just holds me and tells me he really cares about me, and I believe him and I'm starting to like him more and more, even though I know it's wrong and I know Mitch still loves me and he doesn't mean what he's doing.  I want to be left alone, but I don't.  I want to go home but I want to stay at work and go  to class.  I want and want and want but I can't do anything.  God I hate being dramatic, and I know I am.  I know it's me, but everything has come crashing down in the last 12 hours, and I just can't handle it.
To be quite to the point after my emotional rant, if I have done something to offend you, please tell me.  I love you and never want to offend you.  This applies to EVERYONE reading this.  You'll feel better for telling me the way you want to and I'll feel better (if not at the moment, later) because you are honest with me and I won't have any questions about what's going on.  I'm sorry if I am being contradictive.   Thanks for listening, if you did, and please understand, I'm a little insane today and the lack of sleep hasn't helped.  Well, even if you don't understand, thanks anyway.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 9th, 2004 09:57 pm (UTC)
Why is it wrong to care for that other person if he cares about you? You are not alone. Things will get better soon. Don't hate who you are. You are a good person. You talk about your team and your friends with love and care. You are not an idiot or a moron or any of those things. You are who you are and be proud of that.
Feb. 9th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
Please please please don't isolate yourself. You know it does no good. Your headaches are getting worse, I know. I'll come by tonight, if you want me to, or you can come to my place and drink. Either way, you won't be alone tonight. And Al can come too.
Feb. 10th, 2004 08:20 am (UTC)
I was never not going to tell you. I just wanted to wait for an opportune moment where I could sit with you somewhere quiet and just tell you.

As you've noticed, I don't really like to be super-public about my stuff.

Trust me when I say I will pow-wow, that I will pow-wow. I just need to find a suitable place and time for it. But if something is bothering me to the point of altering my behavior and it can be resolved, I do what I can to resolve it. I know your trust in people doing that may be weak to the point of breaking, but I hope that with our little chat tonight (and it was quite the little chat) you can at least have some faith that I'm a bit more reasonable than some other friends you had.

*huggles* See you tomorrow for dinner.
Feb. 10th, 2004 03:50 pm (UTC)
It was a very little chat, I noticed. But that's why I appreciate friends like you who care enough to TELL ME that something's wrong and that we need to talk. People get too scared sometimes, nothing gets done, and the friendship falls to pieces. I appreciate anyone who makes the effort to keep it going.
Things are better now. I just needed to vent and vent I did. So thank you.
And I'm talking with my Mitch and we're not screaming at each other, for once. I'll see you at dinner.
Feb. 10th, 2004 04:09 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry I've made you so upset. I didn't know you crashed yesterday and I'm sorry I wasn't there to tell you that everything would be okay. For what it's worth, and I hope it is, I love you. We've come upon rough times and I don't want us to end. I can still see you being with me for the rest of my life. So if it comes to this, I will do what it takes to still have a chance, to still be with you. If this is what it takes to show you that I love you, I'll do it. I'll still come home this weekend because my mother wants me to and I want to see you play Sac State. I wouldn't miss you this weekend for the world.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )