mary anne. (rugbybaby) wrote,
mary anne.

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All right, here's the deal.  Please don't be insulted by what I have to say.  Well, it's your right to be if you want to, but it's not my intention to.

As much as I might bitch (and I do) about people getting pissed off at me, I would rather have people tell me to my face that they have a problem with me and get it over with then and there.  I know some of these things fall off in time, but I can't know to never do it again unless you tell me.  I'm stupid and don't understand logical concepts.  I  flake and sometimes a pretty damned bad friend.  I admit it and I hate it.  I hate it so much and I don't mean it.  I hate when people don't tell me what's going on.  Living with Crystal is a nightmare.  My best friend, and I haven't even talked to her in months.  MONTHS.  How can I trust people again?  How can I love a boyfriend who argues with me all the time, always trying to make that last comment.  I'll say it again, I'm a dumb ass and I lose every time.  I hate my lack of commitment.  I hate my shifting nature.  I hate depending  on people, yet pushing them away to try to be independent.  I hate my life at times, even though it is so great and I don't know what I would do.  I need to stop but I don't want to.  I can't.  I love everything I do.  I love my office, I love my classes, I love my friends, I love my family, I love search, I love my boyfriend, I love my hamster, I love my apartment.  But I hate me.  I hate my procrastination, and I'm missing a class because I'm a fucking idiot.  I promised my friends I would copy a midterm exam study sheet before I left for Oregon and I didn't do it.  My grades are dropping.  I'm  going insane, and my boyfriend doesn't even seem to care that every time we argue, I start to cry a little, and I hate crying.  And now I'm starting to fall for someone who just holds me and tells me he really cares about me, and I believe him and I'm starting to like him more and more, even though I know it's wrong and I know Mitch still loves me and he doesn't mean what he's doing.  I want to be left alone, but I don't.  I want to go home but I want to stay at work and go  to class.  I want and want and want but I can't do anything.  God I hate being dramatic, and I know I am.  I know it's me, but everything has come crashing down in the last 12 hours, and I just can't handle it.
To be quite to the point after my emotional rant, if I have done something to offend you, please tell me.  I love you and never want to offend you.  This applies to EVERYONE reading this.  You'll feel better for telling me the way you want to and I'll feel better (if not at the moment, later) because you are honest with me and I won't have any questions about what's going on.  I'm sorry if I am being contradictive.   Thanks for listening, if you did, and please understand, I'm a little insane today and the lack of sleep hasn't helped.  Well, even if you don't understand, thanks anyway.


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